[CW: mental health, anxiety]
ever since i figured that what i’d been feeling pretty much throughout my whole life was this nasty thing called anxiety, i’ve come across a certain problem uncountable times. many people just cannot grasp what suffering from anxiety means, and let me tell you, it ain’t that easy to explain.
i tried writing down some feelz i often have that which i blame anxiety for, but, see, that’s the worst thing about it – i don’t even know if it really is anxiety anymore. is my paranoia caused by an actual reason or not? do i really have zero friends or do i just distance myself from everyone? am i a bad writer or is it just self doubt? etc etc etc. i can’t fucking tell. meh.
so, how does anxiety feel?
sometimes it feels like being physically sick, like having a neverending flu, your body sore, your muscles weak; when all you want to do is sleep but don’t feel rested even after more than 12 hours of sleep
sometimes it feels like waking up with your heart, lungs, and guts all tangled together
sometimes it feels like drowning; drowning in paranoia and worthlessness and abundance of emotions
sometimes it feels like being paralyzed
sometimes it feels like you will never be able to stop crying, without even knowing why you’re crying
sometimes it feels like no clothes fit you; no matter what you wear, you feel stupid and uncomfortable, and then you have an angry sob in your room full of scattered clothes, feeling like a bratty posh kid
sometimes it feels like literally everyone around you—especially in public—is incredibly annoying; your hearing is heightened, everyone is too loud, moves too fast or too slow, and you just wish you could hide in the dark under the ground
sometimes it feels like everyone hates you, or uses you, or doesn’t wanna spend time with you, and you are and always will be left alone
sometimes it feels like something awful will happen to you in large crowds or unknown places
sometimes it feels like you’re not good enough to text your friend, e-mail your co-worker, call your doctor
sometimes it feels like you cannot focus on a single thing because of the constant worrying
sometimes it feels like not being able to eat anything, or feeling like puking after each meal, or losing taste completely
sometimes it feels like everyone is plotting against you; like an endless paranoia
sometimes it feels like you’re about to shatter to a million little pieces
sometimes it feels like everything is incredibly overwhelming and you just cannot cope
often, it involves a lot of shaking, sobbing, feeling nervous, feeling alone, feeling worthless.