BLOG/SEX | sex is not a contest

[image description: shiny silver vibrator in the middle of the photo, surrounded by round silver gems, on baby pink background]

[CW: sex, genitals, consent, circumcision]

i guess it wasn’t always like this, but it is quite obvious that sex has become yet another premise where we’re supposed to compete against each other and gain hypothetical prizes and medals. we compare sizes of dicks and boobs and labia and i-don’t-know-what, not our own but of those we’ve slept with (as if the people could influence that somehow when they were born); discuss whether circumcized/uncircumcized is better, or shaved/unshaved or whatever; we share our partners’ skills with others without a blink of an eye, not stopping to think about the fact that it is actually not ok to share such intimate details without someone’s knowledge (oh how i wish i could say i was completely guilt-free of all these things). we’re constantly showered with articles giving us tips on how to “please your man right”, how to perform the perfect blowjob, how to look hot, how to be the sexiest in bed, how to do this and that (let me just say that i have nothing against educational articles on how to perform certain techniques in a safe and enjoyable way, these are a much-needed sex ed all of us can benefit from). having a small or no number of sex partners raises an eyebrow, because, um, “you don’t have enough experience to be good” (LOL).

all this pressure has a great influence on all of us. sex has thus become yet another contest we are supposed to perpetually participate in. instead of focusing on whether the sexual activity feels good, we focus on whether we are good at it, which takes out all of the fun off of it, doesn’t it? instead of taking in the excitement of seeing and touching and caressing someone else’s naked body, we try to put all the previously studied tips in use and sometimes even get entangled in the ridiculous fear of not being “good enough” (aka why i, for example, didn’t want to perform blowjobs for a very long time). it almost seems like we think of sex as a showcase, ready to impress the imaginary judges with our A+ skills.

contrary to what the majority of “lifestyle” magazines are trying to tell you, i don’t think someone’s skills determine whether the sexual act will or will not be good. first of all, it is impossible to identify a foolproof method that gets everyone off as each body works differently (e.g. so many articles are all about the importance of deepthroat but it definitely doesn’t hit the spot for every penis-owner, nor is it possible to perform for many). while i might be on the edge of losing my mind while someone does a certain thing to me (not gonna go into details, sorry), another person might hate it with their whole heart. this idea of a universal, always-successful method is just really stupid because it assumes all bodies are the same and react identically, which is just not how it works in real life.

secondly, i believe that whether your experience of a sexual encounter with someone is pleasant or not has much more to do with the vibe and general good fit between those participating, no matter what techniques or high-end skills are used. maybe i’m old-fashioned, but i really do think that what makes good sex good is the shared energy and compassion and not whether someone has the skills of a famous porn star and can make you cum in under 2 minutes.

from my personal experience, sex is always more pleasant when all participants are equally into it, communicate, and are not afraid to make mistakes. it’s important to listen and pay attention to your partner(s), to express what you personally like and dislike, what your limits and boundaries are. sex is not a fucking contest, it is a game everyone should enjoy playing. trying to be the best at sex might as well ruin the chance to have the best sex of your life.

sex shouldn’t make you nervous or feel like you’re not good enough, sex should be fun. if it doesn’t make you feel good, don’t do it. and if someone belittles you for your sex skills, screw them – not literally, of course.

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