[CW: sex, genitals, consent]
i was recently interviewed about my art by Reek perfume and was asked who did i think of as the audience when creating the pieces (read the interview here). i said i didn’t really think of any audience, but that doesn’t apply to my blogposts – in fact, there is a very precise type of audience i write these texts for: the younger me. the insecure, confused me.
i used to be really terrified and perplexed by my own sexuality and sexual activities in general (and lack thereof). i remember googling a lot of stuff, reading advice articles from dumb websites à la Cosmo (which probably only made me even more insecure), trying to learn techniques from porn. i’ve always been aware i was blessed with a rich liking of anything sex-related, but my inexperience prevented me from acting upon my sexuality, thinking i would be awful at sex because i didn’t “know” what to do – or, to be more precise, i knew the theory, but lacked the practice. i wanted to be great at sex straight away (as in having the best techniques) and didn’t want anyone to know i was a novice in sex stuff. i literally dreaded someone uncovering that “shameful truth,” so i just abstained from sex altogether, and patiently waited for someone who wouldn’t judge me for potentially finding out (how i imagined that person to be or act, i don’t really know).
before i share my super secret hot sex advice, let’s unpack the problems hidden in such fucked up attitude i had. first of all, being sexually inexperienced is nothing to be ashamed of!! i wish i could go back in time and just hug the teen me, block all the stupid “how to give the best blowjob” articles from her computer, and tell her she didn’t need to worry so much. while there sure is a lot of societal pressure to be great in bed (especially put on women), and there definitely will be jerks (of any gender) who’ll think they’re entitled enough to comment on and mock you for not having the skills of an experienced porn star, i don’t think it matters that much. and if someone tells you otherwise, just tell them to fuck off. please.
what’s more, being good at sex is SO MUCH MORE than just knowing the “right” techniques. and that actually leads me to that cherished piece of advice:
there is no best, or hottest, or right or wrong technique for anything.
there is no ultimate sex tip, apart from: COMMUNICATE!
you see, i really don’t believe in trying to perfect specific techniques, moves, or positions, because each person you will ever have sex with will like something different. while one person with a penis might like having it deepthroated, other might be super into having their balls licked, and another one might hate blowjobs altogether. sucking the clit might tickle the fancy of one vulva owner, while someone else might go wild for fingering. not only does each person have different turn-ons, variation in sensitivity also comes in. oh and let’s not forget that sexuality and sexual preferences, just like everything else in life, are fluid, and therefore what gets you or your partner(s) off can change literally all the time (confirmed by my personal experience – though i don’t think i’ll ever grow tired of getting my titties sucked, teehee). also, you might be into different things with different people, and that’s ok too!
all this is why it’s so important to approach each sexy session with an open mind and zero scenario expectations – to me, that’s actually the beauty in sex, this kind of joined negotiation and creation (how poetic, lol).
to channel my last article; ask. listen. express what you want. don’t be afraid to say no. communication really is the key.