it feels a bit (= a lot) weird to be legit dedicating a full blogpost to my vagina, but hey, i’ve gotten to reviewing sex toys on my insta, so why not write a whole articles about my genitals, right?
while the title of this post is pretty silly, what follows will actually deal with a very serious and painful topic to me – vaginismus. for those who don’t what that is, it is a medical condition which prevents vaginal penetration. the muscles get involuntarily tense, pretty much as if they were refusing anything to enter the vaginal canal, and make any kind of penetration impossible and extremely painful. the level of tension differs from person to person; some vagina owners might only have problems with larger objects (such as a penis or a dildo), while some cannot even handle the smallest tampon or a single finger. in most cases, vaginismus is psychosomatic, meaning it is caused by mental factors rather than actual physical limitations. these factors can simply be fear of pain or of a foreign object entering your body, often unbeknownst and unrecognized by the person themselves. very simply put, imagine your vag getting super scared and trying to close itself off in order not to let any intruders in.
the first time i noticed it was really difficult to get something inside my vagina was when i tried to use a tampon a few months after my period started. even the smallest one just wouldn’t go in; and it felt awful. i felt embarrassed, disgusting, dysfunctional, weird. how can all of my classmates and all those smiling ladies in menstrual hygiene ads do it, and why can’t i?
as years went by and i was religiously sticking to clitoral stimulation when masturbating only, i grew worried of my ~first time~ (i know, i know, but back then i was still in denial of my pansexuality and really believed that virginity is something important and can only be “lost” by penis-in-vagina penetration). i would consciously keep away of all potentially sexual scenarios because i was ashamed of my unbelievably tight vagina, and scared how it would react. i’ve always been a coward when it comes to facing pain, and i imagined my first penetrative experience to be VERY painful. like gallons of blood painful, you know. this abstinence only lead to two things: 1) my hatred of my tightness even increased, with which the fear of painful penetration did too; 2) fear of me being inexperienced was added on top of that. poor girl, that teen and early 20s me. wish i could go back in time and give her a big, big hug.
later on i decided to “take” my own virginity, aka just fucking stretch my own hymen with a toy. that wasn’t really possible either. eventually my dreaded ~first time~ came, and it was pretty bad. long story short, it was painful as fuck, but hey, i expected that, so “it must be ok this way” (it was not – sex should never hurt!!!!!!). i remember feeling like someone beat the insides of my vagina with a metal pole the next day. after that, i decided to never put myself through that, and instead explored all kinds of non-penetrative sex, which was actually so much fun. because, unlike lots of mainstream porn, TV, books, and all kinds of media are telling you, penetration is definitely not the highlight of paired sex, thank you, next. yet still every single gyno visit would be real hell on earth, and using any bigger tampons, or let alone a menstrual cup, was out of question too.
i was still very upset by my ~tight condition~, often crying about the way i was not normal and would never be able to have “proper” sex (i know, i know, but it’s very hard to get rid of these ideas when they’ve been ingrained in you since very early age). i was sad, and frustrated. i’d always thought that maybe trying it with a loving partner would help, but it really didn’t.
until it all changed one day. again, i was feeling super down about my inability to get penetrated, and spent a lot of time researching vaginismus. at that point i have had already accepted that that was probably my condition, but could not really figure out what was the cause behind it, the starting point. i was so desperate i convinced myself i must have been assaulted as a child and managed to blank it out due to the post-traumatic stress to explain my vaginal tightness (which is something that still haunts me and i haven’t been able to rule that option out completely, yet i’m honestly scared to investigate more). while reading a millionth article on vaginismus that night, tears flooding my cheeks, i suddenly remembered something – when i was about 9, i had an accident during which i injured my vulva, and had to be urged to the hospital to see a kids’ gynaecologist. i recalled how scary it was, how insensitive the doctor was, putting foreign objects into my vagina and telling me to stop crying because “come on this cannot hurt”. there it was – my boundaries were crossed by a doctor when i was little, and maybe that was where all the fear was coming from.
i know it will sound cheesy, but i feel like i was reborn after learning that information. as soon as i realized how my body was violated, i was able to have a pain-free penetrative intercourse for the first time in my life, pretty much within 24 hours after that revelation. i literally cried with happiness, enjoying the feeling of not having to stop my partner after a few strokes. i was ecstatic. i felt normal, and capable. to this day, i’m amazed how quickly a condition that has tarnished years of my life disappeared. a fucking miracle, right?
ever since, i haven’t had a single painful experience with penetration; perhaps sometimes i have to ask for my partners to start slowly, but otherwise all is good and discomfort-free. bodies are weird, and hilarious too.
and you know what? while it’s nice that i no longer squeal and twitch during my obgyn exam, or can use menstrual cups, or am able to enjoy penetrative sex too, heck yes, at the same time, it wouldn’t be such a disaster if this change never happened. there’s no right or wrong way our bodies should function, and that’s the beauty of it. not all vaginas are perhaps meant to be penetrated, while not all penises necessarily have to do the penetrating. it’s better to listen to the signs your body is telling, and never allowing someone else to make you do something outside of your bodily limits.
while i’d be happy to do away with those years of fear and thinking there was something wrong with my body, i’m pretty glad about this previously super tight vag of mine.
thank you for sparing me from being fucked by crusty teen boys.
thank you for making me explore all the wonderful ways in which non-penetrative sex can be had.
thank you for still working just fine despite all the hate i had for you.
(god look at me, here i am talking to my own vagina, is there anything more “crazy feminist white girl” to do now??)
P.S: penetration is overrated anyway, xoxo